I'm still here

Hello friends,

It's October! What happened to 2020? I mean... wow.

Maybe it was a sign that I toasted in 2020 sick as a dog with an illness I'd caught from my nephew. Now it looks like I'll be spending Christmas alone and New Years alone anyway.

I haven't posted on ye old blog for a while... yet now that we're in month twenty (?) of a pandemic... truth be told, I want to talk to someone. You see, I'm lonely.

By now I'm supposed to be married with kids. Instead, I've spent the last seven months alone, in an apartment, with my two cats as my only company.

I'm having a hard time and I've been debating about posting this... However, I want to be honest. Maybe by reaching out, I can finally find my people. 

In March, my work sent us all to work from home for two weeks. It's been a bit more than two weeks, obvs.

Sigh. At the time I was freaking out, a bit, about this covid. Using the bathroom and the break room on a floor of 50+ employees was hard. You know people don't wash their hands and it makes using the break room a bit harder. So I thought it would be good to be home for a bit. Until all this calmed down. Ha ha ha.

That was seven months ago. I've moved all my office stuff home. My employer let us arrange to pick up stuff from our desks. Luckily, my manager suggested I take home my plants. That was a very good idea. Porthos the pothos is doing great. I'm buying tons of plants and slowly turning my house into a jungle. A pet-safe jungle.

So my anxiety grabbed onto the fear of getting Covid with a frenzy. I didn't dare go outside, I would be in a store and the panic attack would start. I washed my hands several times a day. I didn't feel safe being around friends or in houses. I retreated from the world.

The world didn't follow.

Last Monday, my employer said, I could go back to work in office, if I want. Part of me does want to, but the other part is still scared. I do not do great wearing masks for long periods of time. I start to struggle to breathe. But I still wear them. I try to sit in the discomfort. But it's hard because so many other people seems to be just fine wearing masks, flying, and traveling. Am I not brave enough? How close am I to becoming an agoraphobic hermit?

I tried to make it up to Idaho to see my family in July. I had huge panic attack outside Malad, Idaho and returned home. After spending half an hour on the phone with a counselor trying to calm myself down enough to drive in the middle of nowhere, I was able to drive. FYI, trying to get through a panic attack on the side of I-15 is no easy feat. There are semi-trucks and cars rushing by at 80mph. It took me two more hours to get home. It involved trying to find a place that I could get something to eat. Finding out the grocery store in Brigham City would not heat up my soup that I'd bought there... just... so many things that day.

But I got a blessing that night. The first time I'd been touched since March.

No one tells you about the loneliness of being single and LDS when you're over 40. I have friends. But I don't have close friends. Friends who I feel would be okay with my all of my anxieties and fears and quirks. I worry I'm too much. I would overwhelm. I worry about being that friend, the one people write into advice columns about. This letter writer complains how annoying this person is with their incessant neediness and how can I politely tell this friend to back off. 

I'm sure some of this is due to my depression and anxiety, which aren't the best guides to truth and reality. 

It's still hard, though. Without a husband or kids, a new ward is harder to "infiltrate." Work friends are lovely, but I know they usually don't last when the job ends. My family is busy with their own families. That's one of several truths I've learned about being single. You're just not as important as the married people. You're needed, but only occasionally and when Mommy and Daddy need a break. Weeks have gone by without me hearing from my family. My mother is currently not talking to me for reasons I'll get into in another blog post.

Then there's this pandemic that makes it harder to get out and meet people. I can't find a book club I like. I've tried the Meetup app. It's interesting. I get tired of going places by myself. And going someplace by myself is the only option. I tried Bumble for Friends and that was just like dating, as in being frustrating and wounding to the soul.

So I'm sending out a blog into the void of the interwebs. I'll be writing about what's going on in my life. 

Hi, I'm Stacey. I'm single. I live alone with two cats. I'm over 40. I'm having a faith crisis. I consider myself a liberal (you can start praying for my eternal soul now). I believe Black lives matter. I'm an LGBTQ+ ally. I'm also a member of the LDS Church. I'm a Mormon. I have anxiety and depression. I love anything Scottish and relating to the U.K. 

Come join me on this journey. I want to be a voice for those in my same situation. I haven't found a lot about being single woman at my age in the LDS Church or in society, really. Hopefully you find a kindred soul.