I'm still here! Barely

It's scary how quick times goes by.
I thought it had only been a couple months since I posted and then I see October as the last month and realize it's an entirely new YEAR!

So I have made my New Year's Resolutions. So far, not doing great. But every day is a new day.
One thing is certain. Heck or high liquid, I am going to spend Hogmanay (New Year) in Scotland.
Maybe Christmas too. It's been too long and I want to go back. So I am.

Two: I'm actively looking for work. As in a career. So I'm hoping by trusting in the Lord, things will happen. If I do my part. I may have to move to try and find work, which I wouldn't like as I'd like to have a job before I move somewhere, but we will see.

So life has been fairly good. I make it through each day, I live for Fridays and pay day. I bought a Nook in November and have around 100 books downloaded (including my Relief Society and Sunday school manual and the scriptures, Bible and Book of Mormon, etc). When am I going to read them all? Plus, a friend loaned me 3 books on Scotland. And I'm reading a book on Medieval women at work.
Too much material! :)

I spent a lovely Valentine's Day with Northanger Abbey, Chinese food, goat cheese on a baguette and Ghiardelli brownies. It was a nice night.

I wasn't expecting what Saturday would bring. One of my Brit-lit profs got married, so I was expecting a happy day.
That morning I found out a good friend of mine in Scotland died last week.
Then I found out it was suicide.

I keep staring at his messages and comments. I keep looking at the last post of his, a scripture from Nephi in the Book of Mormon. Words that are still there. That will be there for a long time, but he is gone.
And I'm angry and sad and feel guilty and then I'm back to sadness and anger. Surprisingly, it's not at God, although I wish there could have been some divine intervention, ala Clarence from It's A Wonderful Life. And then I wish he had reached out. And I'm mad that he didn't. I'm mad that he did this to me and his family. I miss him.  I had just bought 3 boxes of Mike & Ikes to send to him. I actually ate one Monday in a fit of pique.
I struggle with understanding how someone gets to that point. I've only felt suicidal once and that freaked me out and I immediately called a Suicide hotline. Plus, all the ways to commit suicide scare me. Sorry, this probably isn't something to joke about, although that is true.

Plus, he was supposed to be sending me a box of UK chocolate! How mean!

This sucks.

To all my friends and those reading this, please reach out. You are loved. This won't last forever.

"Don’t give up. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." - Elder Jeffrey R Holland